where i’m at.
November 21, 2015
i woke up this morning conflicted. i had the day off. this meant i could lounge in bed for a bit, i would not be on my feet for 10 plus hours, and i would have a bit of respite from the emotional intensity of work. it also meant that i would probably not talk to anyone, would need to think of something to get myself (and lyle) out of the house, and would likely deal with the growing emotional intensity i have been experiencing in my own self.
after spending nearly 17 years in bellingham, it had truly become home. there my faith had grown up. there i had gone from a rather aimless young adult to a woman who discovered she had talents and ideas that were important and valuable. it was there that friendships had been born and had deepened into familial-like community. bellingham was where i had learned to truly take risks. in much the same way as the space my parents had created growing up had been home, bellingham had become a rich, beautiful home.
i think the growing i had gone through and the sense of self i had found in bellingham is what allowed me to find the strength to leave. i certainly didn’t want to. i wasn’t particularly excited about they notion of leaving. it made me sad to think i wouldn’t be as close to watch my friends’ kids grow up. it made me sad to leave the sweetest little craftsman home i had ever lived in. it made me sad to leave friends, a church i loved, and a life that had become quite comfortable and lovely.
but i had a new dream. whether it had been given to me, i had stumbled upon it, or it had simply been growing within the depths of me for quite some time waiting to be born, i am not sure. but i had it. and it was good. i also knew it required me to leave. i made lists of pros and cons. i hashed it out with friends and family. i resisted, but in the end i feared my clinging to what i knew would steal from me the beauty of what could be.
so, one-thousand-one-hundred-sixty-three days ago i moved to seattle.
and the dream is a reality. i am a pediatric oncology nurse working at one of the most reputable hospitals in the nation. sometimes i pinch myself because i cannot believe that i have been given the opportunity to do what i do. i absolutely love my job.
so it is absolutely maddening to feel the way i do so often these days.
to wake up on the first day of a chunk of days off with a heavy pit in my stomach. the sickening feeling that in the midst of all the truly awful things happening in this world, i will be sad about my own current experience. it’s the multiple days off when i am unable to ignore the deep loneliness i feel almost every day.
and being lonely is shitty. really, really shitty.
and in my loneliness i often see a person i don’t particularly like.
someone who easily feels hurt by, or angry at, others.
someone who feels sorry for herself.
someone who hides and wastes her time.
but in the same way that i want to be kind to others, i want to be kind to myself.
so tonight, as i listen to my records spin on the player and dishwasher whir, i am writing a prayer and making a choice.
i pray for courage and energy to reach out.
i pray for seeds of friendship to be planted and nurtured.
i pray for grace and kindness towards myself.
i pray for this place to become home.
and i choose to wildly live out the parts of me i love:
the writer. i will write!
the friend. i will see others and love them well!
the thinker. i will turn off the mindless distractions and instead do my best to be thoughtful!