tension.

May 29, 2009

in seventeen days i get to board a plane and fly across the world and into another hemisphere. the truth of that makes my heart ache a little. the idea of returning to that beautiful, dusty place where the air seems to swallow me up creates within me a deep sense of eagerness. my arms yearn to be filled with those lovely souls who walked into my heart just as surely as i walked into thier world. i am hopeful that my hands and feet will serve well. i am confident that my spirit will be inexplicably filled. there is a figurative family awaiting me…one that has loved me so well and one i sincerely pray i, in return, am able to to offer even a portion of that love. a gladness rests within me.

tonight, at a backyard barbeque, i sat quietly. watching people i knew. i watched and i saw them laughing with one another, i saw them cramming hot dogs cradled in bread and smothered with mustard into their mouths, i saw them peeling labels off beer bottles and playfully throwing a small girl into the air. i watched as they met neighbors and talked to dogs. as i watched tonight i heard people talking about weddings and mexican vacations, i heard people talking about the weather and riding bikes. i saw friends and lovers. an ordinary night, for sure. tonight, at a backyard barbeque, i saw a figurative family christen a new picnic table. a sadness grew within me.

now i am sitting alone in my bedroom, puzzled. why does it seem safer to walk into another world than into a backyard? why have i chosen the role of a distant cousin in the figurative family? at what point did i decide it was better for this world if i chose to play small? when did i begin to believe that fading away is what others want me to do?

in seventeen days i get to board a plane and fly across the world and into another hemisphere. why is it that the girl i will be as i step off that plane is the girl i want to be here?

tonight i am regretful and deeply grateful. lonely and yet never alone. belonging and yet not fitting.

i wonder if this will always be me.

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2 Responses to “tension.”

  1. It is uncanny that your blog and this post are what I chose to read today, because this is precisely what I have been wrestling with. In fact, this is exactly the conversation I just had with my mentor an hour ago!

    I assume this place you’re going is Tanzania, since you were there recently. I envy you.

    I hope and pray you fight for the Lisa you love there to become the Lisa you are here. The tension is frustrating, I know. I hope you continue fighting to be the person you know exists within you.

    And by the way, I LOVE your writing!

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