a muzzled me.

May 12, 2009

i have a list. a list of moments, people, feelings, and thoughts that i would like to write about. my mind is full of beautiful images. my heart is full of painful realities.  there are things inside of me that i am trying to understand. at least understand enough to get outside of me. alone at night, in the darkness of my room i lie on my back and wonder what it is that i want to say. i have been quiet for a long time. the silence has been necessary perhaps [although annoying, i’m well aware, to the reading type], but it has not been comfortable. i am comfortable when i speak. i am comfortable when words are loyal and i can properly arrange them. writing and share and creating with words gives me something to offer…and i want so badly to offer something. and lately i have offered nothing, it seems. i feel defeated and tired.

i feel defeated and tired, but i haven’t fought back. these past few months, in many ways, i have simply given up. i sit down, jot a few words, and feeling completely uncreative, i quit. i walk away.

this morning i battled. this morning i have sat for hours working persistently at writing something out. and it’s awful. it says nothing that i want to say. yet. it conjures up no image. so far. it’s a poor reflection of what’s inside of me. right now. but i’m encouraged. because somewhere inside of me i have become sick of it. sick of not knowing how to say anything. i’m ready to fight. to struggle. and i can’t wait to offer it.

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One Response to “a muzzled me.”

  1. Fred said

    Hey Lisa! I really like the line “i am comfortable when words are loyal” I relate to that very much.

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